Other Ditks

As you may have imagined by now, there are indeed other Ditks out there in the world. I’m not referring to those who flip you off on the streets, or even those you screw you out of a Xmas bonus every year. Rather, I am referring to my various family members…specifically on my father’s side. Each and every one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, relatives, pets, parents ( I technically have 3.5) are unique and outrageous in every way you can imagine, so it would be almost impossible to sit down and blog about each of them. Perhaps I could do a weekly feature but even then I’d be typing away down a path towards Carpal Tunnel. But considering how much I love to write and spread awareness as to the reason why I am so messed up in the head, I have decided to share something I learned this evening about one of my cousins.

One of my cousins, who shall remain nameless, is in her late teens. I was sitting with her this evening, talking to her mother (my aunt) and her older sister (my cousin) when all of a sudden she reached over and wiped something on my jeans. Without thinking I asked “did she just wipe a booger on me?” The older cousin replied “probably” and with that, something I said as a joke completely turned into reality. What did I do? How did I react? Well, living by the ancient, wise phrase, “monkey see, monkey do” I took a finger to my nose and took said finger to my cousin’s sweater.

I think she learned her lesson!

As for my other relatives, I am almost positive I will have more stories to share as our annual “late family Hanukkah party” is taking place on, you guessed it, Christmas morning. I will surely report back shortly after that event. So, Ditks, if you’re reading this make sure you bring your A-Game to the festival of (now distinguished) lights later this week. As always, I’ll be watching…and listening, even when you least expect it.

New!

As some of you (hopefully all of you, being that you have eyes because you are indeed using the internet) may have noticed, the appearance of my blog has changed. This is due to the season, and time of year. Now, taking into the consideration the post directly below this one, and the one shortly before it, you may be wondering why I chose a Christmas themed template for my blog. Well, the answer to that is simple–there were no Hanukkah or Jewish related themes to choose from. I might write an angry letter, I’m really not sure yet, but I have to get through finals week first, which is the reason I haven’t been blogging much lately. I only have one test and one paper, which is almost completed, but I still find myself to be a little stressed out because everyone else is doing SO much work because they have about 6 tests and 3 papers, but I only have 1 and 1. Blessed? Perhaps. Lucky? Probably. Fucked? YES, because this means I will most likely have a bajillion finals and papers during next semester’s finals week, but I don’t even want to think about that now. All I want to think about is how I will be done for the semester and home in 4 days, wanting to escape my parents in 5 (just kidding dad!), and in Cancun with my ridiculous, loving and crazy family in 11. You should all be excited for my trip to Cancun too because I will be blogging daily, most likely while my family is in the pool because I hate chlorine, call it an irrational phobia, but nonetheless I will be sharing the stories that unfold with each day, because some crazy shiz is bound to happen when the Ditks bask out in the sun.

Eight Reasons for Eight Nights

All of the left over turkey has been eaten and regurgitated by America’s bulimic elite, and Mariah Carey is back on the radio; this can only mean one thing–Christmas is right around the corner…that’s my problem. Unless you’re actually Jewish, you completely forget that Chanukah is just around the riverbed as well! I understand that the gentile holiday, Christmas, is celebrated because it was the day Jesus was brought into this world, but guess what?–before you stuffed your evil step-mother’s stocking with coal, HE spun the dreidel. Yes, that’s right, Jesus was Jewish, so everyone reading this post who is NOT Jewish is hereby not allowed to get offended. Now that we’ve got that disclaimer disguised as an intro out of the way, here is a list of eight reasons, plus one for good luck, why Chanukah is a better holiday than Christmas.

1. Hanukkah setup is simple: take the menorah out of the closet, set it down on a table…done. Christmas on the other hand: get in the car, pick out a tree, buy said tree, figure out how to fit the tree through your front door, realize the tree is too tall, take the tree outback and trim the tree, bring the tree back inside, get it to stand up straight, decorate the tree, get the ladder, climb the ladder, place the star on top, clean up all the broken ornaments that may have fallen in the process.

2. Eight nights of presents, need I say more?

3. Celebration of the miracle of oil lasting 8 days and nights as opposed to the expected 1 night, not just a birthday. (I was born August 9th…no one puts up a tree on my birthday because multiple people are born everyday. Sometimes I wonder if there was another local boy born on the same day as Jesus, and what did he get? a teddy bear. Jesus got a holiday, how is that fair?) The Jews then went on to defeat the Macabees. We won a war…just sayin’.

4. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. We have a fun game associated with our holiday. You may have missile-toe, but we have gambling…for chocolate!

5. Adam Sandler’s Chanukah songs parts 1, 2 & 3. We may not have as many songs as Christmas does, but at least ours are funny, and not upsetting like our grandmothers getting killed by fictional creatures.

6. Latkes, a.k.a potato pancakes.

7. No annoying bells, no fresh pine full of allergens, no annoying carolers knocking on your door at inconvenient times (we already have telemarketers calling during dinner, we don’t need pseudo-opera knocking on our doors in addition)

8. No derogatory references to women (HO HO HO)?

9.(For the 9th candle, a.k.a the Shamash) Last but not least, no ugly sweaters. Amen.

And there you have it folks. Please don’t hate me, for I am not a bitter Jew, but a Jew that believes Chanukah (Hanukkah) doesn’t receive enough credit. The “Winter recess” is referred to as “Christmas Vacation”, schools do not get off for Chanukah, but ALWAYS get off for Christmas and overall, I just feel as if Chanukah is treated as Christmas’ ugly cousin. Chanukah gets no respect from gentiles, yet Christmas gets respect from many a Jew, because we are respectful of your holiday and celebrations. So please, next time you see a Jew excited that Chanukah starts at sundown, PLEASE don’t go over to them and ask them to jingle your bells and throw “Christmas spirit” into their face because they’ll throw hot Latke grease on you, and it will HO HO hurt.

Happy Holidays everybody!

Love Always,

A Merry Little Ditk