Tag Archives: Dads

Just Call Me Sugar

6 Jul


I suddenly realized last night that I have fallen out of touch with my blog, and therefore my people, if I even have any. Luckily, something happened last night that was not only blog worth, but just all around news worthy as well. It was an evening of epic proportions, kind of, and one hell of a story unfolded about a man named sugar and his lady friend, or daughter, or wife, or estranged lover.

It was a night like any other. My father, step mommy dearest and my friend all took a trip to Citi Field to watch the Mets take on the Reds. The game was intense, full of everything you could ever want in a baseball game–ejections, bad calls, fights, comebacks, home runs–but that wasn’t the most entertaining aspect of last night. You see, the four of us were sitting in the Sterling club having dinner on the outside patio when an interesting character showed up. A woman, who my father claims is 51 going on 30, appeared in a baby blue belly shirt that my friend claimed she had in 8th grade. This woman, who we’re going to call BABY just for the sake of this blog, was deemed absurd by me and everyone around her the instant she walked out onto that patio. First of all, she clearly didn’t grasp the concept of the club we were in. I guess she isn’t educated enough to understand that you have to sit down in a seat, and then it took her a while to understand that said seats are first come first serve. Once she was notified of this procedure via the waitress, she turned to the man she is with and notified him of the situation.

I say “the man” because this is where the dilemma sets in. She was with an older man, he had to be in his late 50s early 60s, who was balding and grey-haired. At first sight one would think they were just another odd couple–holding hands, getting cozy during the singing of the National Anthem, locking eyes in an endless gaze–but then one would hear her constantly calling him “daddy.” Now, I was with my father so once he returned to the table I explained the situation to him and he figured they were just a true daddy-daughter pair, but then I told him about the kanoodling and hand holding and he made a face of disgust and wonder. It was then that we all decided he was her sugar daddy, and from then on we referred to him as Sugar.

We watched the duo make a move from sitting in someone else’s seats, to standing, to finding other chairs to sit in, to trying to reserve a table for when they ordered food, which they did while standing up. At this point, Baby was walking around with a glass of wine. Finally the family that was sitting at one of the tables got up and a couple approached the table to sit at it, but not before Baby ran across the patio to let them know otherwise. She screamed at them from across the way and mad a scene for no reason. The couple then asks our favorite duo if they could share the table because there were 4 seats. Sugar said yes, but then Baby got in Sugar’s face and seemed disgusted with that idea, so the duo let the new couple have the table, apparently it wasn’t good enough for them anyway.

Baby then accumulated a glass of soda. For those of you keeping track, she was now double-fisting with one glass of wine and one cup of soda.

A few moments passed and another table opened up and Baby raced over to obtain it. She rested her 2 glasses on the table and watched the game. She then decided the view wasn’t substantial enough for her caliber of royalty, so she gave the table up to a polite couple, but only after hovering over said table for a good 15-20 minutes.

Baby was now walking around with a bottle of Grey Poupon. Her tally now stands at a glass of wine, a cup of soda and a glass bottle of Grey Poupon.

Finally, they found a table after turning down 2 of the 4 tables on the patio. Third time’s a charm, I suppose. The table had just cleared out to naturally there were plates and napkins and cups and utensils all over, but Sugar and Baby took a seat and wouldn’t shut up for 5 minutes about how dirty it was. Apparently they don’t understand the concept of there only being ONE server out there who had other people to accomodate, and not just her, the Queen of Sugar Island. The waitress came out and said their food would be right out, and Baby asked if they could clear the table. The waitress began to clean but could only hold so much, so she took what she could and went inside to dispose of it. A few moments later the bus boy came out to serve their food. He then made the biggest mistake of his life–he put a plate of food on their table. Baby instantly yelled at him for placing the food down without clearing the rest of the glasses and silverware. So before he placed down anymore food, he cleared what he could, only to be yelled at again. “This isn’t ours” she said about the mess ” what do you want me to do?” said the bus boy so Sugar spoke up for the first time all evening and said “clear the table”. As the poor bus boy went inside to dispose of the trash, Baby was touching all of the food on the tray and complaining about every last aspect–“these are ice cold…we didn’t order these, they’re fried!”

Lady, you DID order them and they WEREN’T Cold 10 minutes ago when they were brought out, but now they are because you couldn’t eat with a few dirty glasses on your table. And yeah you may have not known something was friend but that’s what READING is for. READ the menu. Karma is a bitch, just remember that.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the glasses were finally cleared and their wings were re-heated, and they seemed to be enjoying their meal without noticing the entire patio was making fun of them. Being the nosy person that I am, I had to further investigate the situation, and that’s when my friend noticed the ring on his finger. He was married. Now, we were anxiously trying to peer at Baby’s finger to find a ring, but no such luck–no ring on her finger! Could they truly be a daddy-daughter pair? Well, a very touchy-feely daddy daughter pair. We still weren’t sure of the situation, but we were sticking with the sugar daddy story because it was just more entertaining, don’t you agree?

It then came time for us to get up and go to our seats, leaving all of the entertainment behind. A little while later my father found out that Sugar and Baby were nasty and rude to their waitress, a friend of my father, and only gave her a $3 tip on a $75 tab. This was unacceptable. I guess they thought if they had to be rude to an extremely nice and polite waitress then she didn’t deserve a sufficient tip. Uh, that’s a little backwards, Baby, and I’m sure Sugar agrees.

My father alerted security of the situation but no one could find the now infamous duo, so my dad offered $5 to the first person who could spot them. I scanned our section for about 15 minutes and was slowly giving up hope, but then I saw them! I’d recognize that cheap looking, baby blue belly shirt anywhere! A few sections over, there they were! So my dad applauded my effort and went over to their section leaving my step-mother cursing under her breath and furious that I not only told my father where they were, but that he got up to say something to the duo. In the end, dad never got the chance to say anything to them, but he alerted security of their whereabouts, and I became $5 richer.

It was a good night.


I Was Gonna See A Movie, But Then I Got…Sleep.

17 Aug

     Today, or yesterday because it’s now after 2am, I planned on having an all-day movie marathon. Not just any ordinary movie marathon where you stock up on candy and rent a few DVDs, but an in-theatre movie marathon. Yup, I was planning on shelling out just over $50 and attempt to see 5 movies in one day. On the bill would be The Goods, Paper Heart, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Julie & Julia, and Bandslam. Now, I have no doubt in my mind that this definitely could have been accomplished, but seeing that I went to bed at about 3:30am the night before, for no reason, I slept until noon and decided grabbing a burrito was more important than catching the first movie at 1:00pm. Hello obesity. Anyways, if completely ditching the movie marathon idea wasn’t enough, I sat around all day staring at the computer until my mom came home at about 4, and saved me from spontaneously morphing into mush and seeping into the cracks of the tile floor in my kitchen. It’s a good thing she came home when she did too, otherwise she’d have to mop me up…and she hates mopping when she’s already mopped. 

     After trying to convince me to give her a foot-rub, and forcing me to try on a pair of pants, my mom and I made our way to the mall, in two separate cars which is obviously the BEST way to save gas and money in this economy, hooray senseless Americans! No, but we took separate cars because I was headed over to my dad’s house after the mall for dinner, which is closer to the mall than my mom’s house, so don’t judge me, because you cannot judge me…I am unjudgeable…my new word. So we got to the mall, and went right into Bloomingdales, gotta love their valet parking service if you have a Bloomie’s charge account haha. When all was said and done, I ended up buying a pair of black flats, sunglasses, a t-shirt, some traffic light thing and I was about to purchase 3 small posters for my dorm, when my mom called me and said I had to rush to the valet station because it was closing at 6:30 and it was currently 6:30…so I power walked, because I WILL NOT run in a mall…that’s just not classy. Finally I arrived and got my car, but I REALLY wanted the posters because one of them was a Hannah Montana Movie poster, so obviously I needed it, and the vendor selling it would be gone after today. So I pulled my car around to the side, where it’s illegal to park, and clearly labeled so, and put my hazards on. My mom sat in her car behind mine as I ran into the mall for the posters. She told me to hurry up because she didn’t want my car being towed…no kidding. I was lightening fast in there, picked out the 3 posters, paid, and power walked out…I got SO good at that after today, it’s amazing what a shopping spree will do for your health! Once I got outside my mom told me security came and questioned my car being there, when my mom told the guard “she just ran into the mall to get her kid, she’ll be right out”. I’m glad my mom can think fast, but I’m also glad she had to make it sound like I had a kid and decided to leave him in the mall…good times. 

     Finally I left the mall. I arrived at my dad’s house, and was greeted by my adorable, freshly groomed fur-ball of a dog, Roxie. Apparently she was named after the character in Chicago, and I only say that because every now and then I’ll hear my dad or step-mom sing to her “the name on everybody’s lips is gonna be…ROXIE!” Yeah, that actually has happened, probably when she’s playing with her Chewy-Vuitton pocket book, or Jimmy Chew squeaky shoe. I kid you not, my dog has these toys, and yes, I bought them for her for Hanukkah. We sat, and chatted for a little bit, and by chatted I mean my dad was trying to watch the end of the PGA tournament while my step-mom tried to inquire where we should go for dinner. After the Asian guy beat Tiger Woods, and lifted his bag up over his head like 30 times, my dad turned off the TV and said “let’s go”. So, the three of us got into his car and headed over to the local sushi place for dinner. Upon arriving, my father spotted a man outside the restaurant whom he once worked with, so he said hello, and asked how he was. Now, my step-mom is convinced she knows EVERYONE and that they all know her too, so what happened wasn’t surprising, but what happened after that nearly made me pee myself. My step-mom looked at the guy my father said hello to, and apparently he looked familiar, so she said hello, gave him a hug and one of those kisses on the cheeks that older people do when their friends or whatever. She then proceeded to ask how his wife was doing because she had heard she had hip-replacement surgery. He said she’s doing well and then I just walked into the restaurant. As it turns out, my step-mom didn’t know that man, and that man had no idea who she was either. He just looked exactly like someone she actually knows…classic case of mistaken identity. What I find to be the best part though, is that he actually went along with it, which turns out to be because his ex-wife, or whatever, actually did have hip surgery, so he thought maybe he did know her, but just didn’t remember. Boy-oh-boy, what a great way to start a meal. Anyways, then we ate, and on the ride home argued about Ikea furniture, and how they picked up a couch from there once and it was terrible service, and didn’t fit in the car, and claimed they wasted hours of their life there…basically I got a headache. My dad never likes to let things go, so when we got back to the house he kept talking about it, which lead to my step-mom researching other cheap couches online for about an hour. Then I told my father I needed to interview him for a project, he said no…

     Apparently the last time I had to interview him(I sent him an email with a few questions I needed him to answer for a paper I was writing) it was too much work for him, and he didn’t want to go through that again. After some entertaining arguments, he said I could just write up questions for him, but then I informed him it needs to be a recorded, verbal interview…he did not like this. I continued to say “well if you want me to do well in school, I’ll need your help”, he then asked “oh, so it will be MY fault if you don’t do well?” I confirmed his notion, but he still decided to be difficult about it because he claimed he never had to face a challenge while trying to pursue a civil liberty. So of course this was turned into a joke as well. We were watching a television show called “Shark Tank” in which successful investors that just have too much money interview inventors and decide if they should invest in their products/services or not. My dad was trying to think of stuff he could present to the investors, or “the sharks”, on the show, and decided a good idea would be to sell cheap couches to people who go to college and have been challenged while trying to pursue civil liberties, and if they let me interview them, they receive $10 off the price of their couch…FML.

That’s normal behavior for my father…good times, but I still manage to love him.

That was my day…can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings…woop-dee-doo.

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