Tag Archives: oil spill

Subway Etiquette 101

19 Jul

If you aren’t grateful for this blog yet, you should be, because nearly everyday I head out into the battlefields of the earth, the scum of the city and a rat’s paradise with an all-you-can-eat buffet of scraps and used Metro cards. Yes, I am a daily Subway rider and I’ve got the sweat and water-stained shoes to show for it.

I also have pictures.

You see, I have decided that there is no better way to spice up my morning commute than to take some risky photographs of my fellow train-goers. Let’s just get one thing straight, when I say “risky” I don’t mean nude, I just mean the people I take photographs of, with my trusty Blackberry Bold 9700, don’t know I am taking photos of them. Therefore, if they realize just what I’m doing while I “search for service” beneath or above ground, I very well may get shot (with a gun, not camera) 0r beaten up considering many of the people I snap photos of appear to be the weapon-carrying type…or at least a pocket knife or two.

Every morning or evening that I hop on the Subway or rail road I keep my eyes peeled for the oddly dressed and possibly just opressed commuters who truly need a “What Not To Wear” intervention, or at least a shopping spree somewhere other than a 1920’s vortex they stumbled upon in a dream. Very often I don’t have to search to hard because there people seem to just find me. I guess it’s a gift, or perhaps a sign, that I should keep doing what I’m doing, and when the time to stop comes I will know it…or it’ll just hit me, like a ton of people hitting me.

I watch for all sorts of people: the lonely kind, sitting alone on the railroad downing their third mini bottle of wine from a four pack in under 30 minutes; or the homeless kind, making their way from car to car on the Subway claiming they’re a WWII veteran looking for some change or food…even though they don’t look at day over 35, and every kind in between.

So brace yourselves, AdDITKs, because you are about to embark on a journey so risky, so shameful and SO shocking that you very well may call your relative who is a big-time book publisher and tell them that A Ditk’s Subway Etiquette Series is the next great coffee table book.****

****Note: I encourage you to do just this. Movie producers are also acceptable.

So swipe your metro card and grip that metal hand rail tightly because my own little “Subway Series” starts…now.

 

This man did me the justice of giving me a preview before I even got onto the Subway this morning. As the train made it’s stop, I peered into the window right before my eyes and the last thing I EVER expected to see was a barely-there tank top and a set of nipple rings. I feel sorry for that girl directly in front of him with the stylish bun, ear buds and blue top. I’d hate to see what she’s seeing, oh but wait, let’s do it anyway:

There we go. Now that’s more like it. The man decided to give that poor girl a break and face me instead. Oh, happy day! I now had the pleasure of realizing that he had a scissor malfunction, or simply mowed over his shirt, leaving is t-shirt to rot in tank-top hell. Honestly, at this point why even put anything on? Just to say you’re wearing a shirt should you stop into a 711 and be questioned on their “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy? C’mon man, I know you’re at least wearing pants but those nipple rings violate state code in just about every state, and providence,  known to man…including Puerto Rico. Also, regarding the cross around your neck, I know I’m Jewish but even I can speak for the good man JC when I say he is DEFINITELY not happy about your choice of outfit this morning.

Here’s hoping we never cross paths again, barely-there-tank-top-man. Unless of course you’re wearing leather chaps or a fur vest, because that is something I can write A LOT of material on.

Next up, ELTON JOHN?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!

No. Not even close. Though I think Elton does fancy that shape of sunglasses, just not the camo and plaid duo with the bucket hat to match. Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to capture such a picture-perfect photograph. Not only was this guy looking right at me, but he had absolutely no clue that I was taking his picture, and everyone knows that a clueless man = the perfect candidate for a creeper Subway photo.

That’s all for now, but TRUST me, as long as there are trains pulsing above and beneath this earth, there will be funky, poorly (or barely) dressed people gracing my presence to capture in timeless, priceless photographs.

Let’s just hope I’m still alive to post the next few photos I snap.

-A Ditk

Hey BP, Put A Sock In It…Literally?

1 Jun

As many of you probably know by now, the oil well leak in the Gulf of Mexico has been terrorizing oceans ever since it first became injured. Many attempts have been taken by British Petroleum, the company who owns the leaking well, but none have proved to be successful, and with the oil now off the coast of Alabama, time is running out.

I’m really not sure how hard it is to plug a leak 2-3 miles deep into the ocean, but I know that I’ve plugged a bath drain with hair on numerous occasions so it can’t be that hard. Look, get a team of deep sea diving robots or whatever and have them carry a large pipe, about 2-3 inches in diameter, down to the scene of the crime (because this is a crime, BP) and have them lodge the pipe they are carrying into the leak site. This will automatically decrease the flow of oil, and give you time to seal off the top of the pipe. Now, the bots will go to the top of the newly installed pipe and seal it off with a large piece of metal that will be welded to the top. PROBLEM SOLVED. For the robots, call Honda or just send someone to China for 5 minutes. Getting the robots should be the least of our problems! I know this may sound confusing, but my cab driver spent the entire ride from Penn Station to Radio City Music Hall explaining it to me without crashing, so it must be a good plan. He told me he’s a civil engineer…I didn’t ask questions.

Regardless, BP, take a look around you and call on one of the millions of Americans raising their hands because we have ideas. Yeah, maybe we’re not all experts like your Brisith fellows, but we’re willing to help and have ideas that no one working for you has even began to think about, not to mention everything they have thought up thus far hasn’t so much as slowed the leak. So stop paying your employees to fail, and announce an email address or a hotline number for citizens to contact you with ideas about how they think the leak can be sealed. You’ll get opinions from housewives, engineering majors, and mechanics who, wait for it…wait for it, DEAL WITH OIL LEAKS EVERY DAY.

So please, BP, put a sock in it. No, not the oil leak (but if you have yet to try that, Big Foot’s sock might work, can’t hurt, right?) your mouth! Stop promising and just take action before our entire eco system has been diminished because then you, Tony Hayward, will be viewed as this generation’s Hitler…for sea creatures.

I swear if sushi no longer exists because of this I will cut my BP credit card in half…IN HALF!

If you need any hair, let me know…I’ve got lots.

And that was A Ditk’s take on the oil leak.

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