Tag Archives: WTF?

Just Not Cutting It

3 Oct

Today I was at a fine dining establishment with a few of my friends. After receiving our food one of my friends, who ordered steak, seemed somewhat confused but excited at the same time. That’s when she told us “this is the first time I’m cutting my own steak…my dad usually does it for me!” She said this like there was nothing wrong with it. Like there was nothing wrong with the fact that a 20 year old had never, until this very day, cut her own steak. I told her you cut it the same way you’d cut any other food and then she told me she usually just cuts things with her fork. I face-palmed at that very moment. She just didn’t get it “like what’s good? I don’t know what’s good!” she was talking about what parts were meat and what parts were fat. I told her it would be obvious. She also held her knife quite weird.

 

It makes me think of how fortunate I am to have grown up in a family where I was given the chance to cut my steak at such a young age. Never take anything in life for granted!

I will say, however, that at 21 I still get my steak knife taken away from me quite often because I play with it too much. You know, I cut the paper table cloth and such…tap on the water glass…my mom doesn’t trust me.

I’m Singing In The…Juniors Department of Nordstrom

17 May

My family is loud. Each and every member of my family loves attention, loves talking and loves being acknowledged and I love them all for that very reason. Today, me, my aunt and two of her daughters (my cousins) took a little trip to the mall so one of them could find a dress for her grad school graduation…tomorrow. We love last minute opportunities. Anyways, our last stop was Nordstrom. I told my cousin most of the dresses were on the second floor (women’s) but she wanted to go to the third floor (juniors)–I guess that’s an acceptable move when you’re as thing as she is…sigh. So there we are on the third floor. She looked around for dresses but couldn’t seem to find anything that she liked, though I constantly pulled out dressed with absolutely any trace of purple, her favorite color, in them. She didn’t like any of them so she decided to head back to the second floor–A Ditk knows best! (Well, in this case, she’s A Ditk too, but we won’t get into that…I was just referring to myself…as in I know best.) As she headed down the escalator, “Pocket Full of Sunshine” came on over the in store sound system. My aunt started dancing a little and mouthing the words as I looked at her with…encouragement. We wandered over to the jewelry where my aunt was looking at a necklace. She turned to talk to her other daughter, but instead of listening, my cousin just started BELTING the song. AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS. I looked around, half in horror half in laughter, to find each and every person in the store staring at my cousin. I turned back to look at her. My aunt was staring at her, right in the face. I don’t think she knew what to do. She continued on with the song–“TAKE ME AWAY. A SECRET PLACE. A SWEET ESCAPE….” I didn’t know what to do, so I ran down the escalator. That’s when I saw my other cousin. She was shaking her head…she too could hear her sister singing…while she was on the second floor. At this point I had stomach pains I was laughing so hard to the tune of my cousin singing. I couldn’t believe that had actually happened, but then again my cousin has no shame…and a pretty great voice. After all was said and done, she walked around like she didn’t just try out for American Idol in the middle of the junior’s clothing section in a Nordstrom in a mall on Long Island.

My cousin never did find a dress.

I love my family.

(Where’s the)Spirit Air

27 Dec

Being an opinionated person, I have decided that every time I realize I hate something, I am going to award it the title of “The Worst_____.” This can mean anything from the worst restaurant to the worst brand of sneakers. Today, I am going to share with you an experience that resulted in me discovering THE WORST airline. Please remember this is all my opinion, but trust me, this airline SUCKS!

SPIRIT AIRLINES: I remember a few years back there was an airline by the name of Trans World Airlines, TWA for short. It was a running joke that the TWA  really stood for “The Worst Airline” which is probably a contributing factor to them closing their flight decks one last time and going out of business. I assumed they went bankrupt or something along the lines of that, but in actuality, it was because they could no longer compete with the new sheriff of shitty airlines in town—Spirit Airlines.

I had neither flown nor heard of Spirit before this year when my mom booked us on a flight down to Florida. For a flight the day after Christmas, all airlines wanted an arm and a leg, so my mom chose the cheaper Spirit Airlines, which only asked for some money…and my dignity.

I was skeptical about the airline from the very start. Yes, the roundtrip flights for the two of us came out to about $400 less overall than other airlines, but then they got us with all of their unnecessary fees. First let me say that (the) Spirit (of Halloween) Airlines prides themselves to be an airline in which you only have to pay for the amenities that you want. This sounded quite auspicious to me as I thought we’d be able to choose if we wanted to pay for a movie, upgraded meals or more leg room. Instead, the amenities they were referring to ended up being standard procedures/complimentary on every single other airline. You see, according to them, these amenities are: checking baggage, carrying on anything more than just one personal item, bigger seats and drinks…EVEN BOTTLED WATER. My mom got a hot tea…that’s hot water, a tea bag and a packet of Splenda= *$2. God forbid she wanted fresh lemon, that probably would have cost her an extra buck fifty, but luckily she carries around her own packets of lemon juice in her purse…perfectly normal. As I was saying, to check a bag-$26, to have a carry-on aside from ONE personal item-$30, sodas-$3, for a bigger seat-$75. The BEST part is that you have to pay for the flight and THEN you have to pay for a seat! I asked if you could just pay for the flight and stand the entire time, but of course this would be dangerous and against the law so the answer was “no.” Thus, in what world does that policy make any sense? Maybe Nebula or the Starship Enterprise, but definitely not America…probably not even Abu Dhabi.

Then we got on the plane. Leather seats…stained and most likely unsanitary. There was a black, oily looking substance lining the top of my headrest which I forced myself to ignore, and there wasn’t even enough room in front of the seats to fit a laptop. No televisions in headrests or suspended from the ceiling, aisles so thin even the Olsen twins would have to turn sideways to walk down them. It sucked…just shitty.

To give you an idea of just how awful this airline is, here’s a personal anecdote that unfolded just this morning. As you may or may not know, New York (my place of origin) is expected to get several inches of snow yesterday beginning in the early morning or afternoon. So naturally, in NY style, everyone rushed to change their flights to the earliest available which means overcrowding and overbooking which Spirit is first-rate at! It ended up that Spirit needed to make room for two customers, so they asked for two volunteers to give up their seats and in exchange for their kindness, they would receive $400 CASH each, 2 round trip tickets to ANYWHERE Spirit flies and a guaranteed seat on the next flight to Florida. They found their volunteers but once we were on the plane they had a late-comer who needed to make a cruise so she HAD to get on our flight. He offered the SAME deal to us, needing only one customer this time. No one raised their hands. Then he told us he’d be able to get that person on the next JetBlue flight out to Florida—at least 10 people raised their hand this time. Spirit Airlines is, and always should be, a last resort. Unless of course all the other airlines want $1,000 each way and Spirit is offering $5 flights. Otherwise, under no circumstance should you fly Spirit Airlines. What a displeasure.

My question is, where do they get off charging someone for a cup of luke warm water the size of a baby’s fist? Every single other airline, whether they charge for baggage or not, is kind enough to give out complimentary beverages other than alcohol. JetBlue even gives out snacks—GREAT snacks! Spirit was charging $4 for a bag of Combos. I’m truly surprised there wasn’t a coin slot next to the air vents above our seats. Same goes for a coin slot outside the bathroom…but then my mom told me that would be illegal.

* Of course this fee was not paid for because my mother complained the water wasn’t hot enough, so we just paid the $3 for my can of Coke Zero instead.

Tales of A 14th Grade…

12 Nov

So I have been keeping a tab on one of my friends who always seems to encounter crazy people and situations at work. She is an employee of the department of recreation here at our school, but all that really means is that she swipes ID cards and loans equipment out to people at the gym on campus. Earlier this year, she showed me a book she started last year where she wrote down some of these instances, and I told her she should try and continue to record them and I would give her a section on my blog. Nonetheless, she hasn’t written anything else down, but she did approach me today with a story that is more than worthy of a place on my blog. Basically, the other day she was working with a boy whom she had never worked with before, when she began to notice he seemed like he needed a little help…mentally. Being the kind person that she is (why would I be friends with a bitch?) she asked him what was wrong, and that’s when he dropped the bomb. You see, this boy, we’ll call him Mike for all intensive purposes, was in a relationship with a girl for the first half of this semester, but a few weeks ago she abrutly packed up and left campus without saying a word to anyone–including Mike. Obviously Mike was baffled, so he tried to get in touch with her but was not able to do so. A few days later, Mike was surfing the web and ended up on Facebook, much like any other college student, and decided to click on her page to see if he could figure out her whereabouts. Before he was even able to look at her wall, he was stopped dead in his (eye) tracks by her status: “R.I.P Mike Jr.” If you cannot put 2 and 2 together–Mike had gotten her pregnant, she didn’t tell him but told her mother who then pulled her out of school and she got an abortion. She did however name the baby, after Mike–how sentimental. What a proper way to inform a boy he’s going to be a father! Or…would be going to be a father had there been no abortion?

I’d like to thank my friend for this rather entertaining/upsetting story–keep up the good work eavesdropping!

Uhh, what just happened?

29 Jul

     I recently emailed the head of a new “comedic” website, imakeulol.com, because they had an ad, obviously on Craigslist, that they are looking for new writers to join their staff. The guy emailed me back and asked if he could see a sample of my work, but asked that it would be a piece that followed the “guidelines” of their fake-ads. So, I looked up the 2 fake ads posted on their page, and picked one of their fictional character descriptions, also posted on their site, to use in the piece, and just went to town. I was totally lost and confused, at 2am, trying to figure out how I was supposed to write this piece, especially since this is not the type of writing I’m used to. I know I’ve never done it. Anyways, I finished the piece, didn’t even bother to look it over, and sent it to the guy. This is the response I got from him today:

Dear Allie,
I think your work has a long way to go before it can offer a smile on the face
of our viewers. The language is totally inappropriate and the way you drop the
"F" bomb constantly has me itching to find out your address so i can send over
my church group in order to save your soul. Also your sterotypical use of words
for the characters was uncalled for as well as our editor here at the office
(Mr. Thai Won Shoo) nearly barfed his sushi on the .99 cent keyboard that I had
just purchased for him at the local Goodwill store. We are a very upscale and
classy business as you probably have noticed by now so if you could please tone
it down just a bit I'll call of my holy crusaders and inform to Thai that he
must lock up his chinese stars when you meet him. Other than that, thanks for
the piece. We'll be in touch.
So obviously I responded:

I was simply just trying to capture
> the essence of the description of that character. But, as
> said, I'm still a student so my writing is still being
> molded and sculpted into something, which is clearly still
> short of Michaelangelo's "David". I thank you for your witty
> feedback though, cheers, and goodluck with the site. 
-Allie
Then, he responded back:

Ahhh Allie, i was hoping for a more playfull response. You just need to get 
molded and in the zone and you'll do just fine. I'll take you under my wing and 
you'll do just fine. I meant no attack on your writing and hopefully you did not 
take it that way. You have talent and i'd like to work with you. What do you 
say? 


I knew something didn’t seem Kosher after the first email. If it’s a comedy website, what’s wrong with a little profanity here and there? Also, the whole “Chinese” thing, with broken english and cursing was entirely taken from the description of his character, who just so happens to be named “Fuk Yoo”…so I did no wrong, and I guess it was all good in the end.

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