All of the left over turkey has been eaten and regurgitated by America’s bulimic elite, and Mariah Carey is back on the radio; this can only mean one thing–Christmas is right around the corner…that’s my problem. Unless you’re actually Jewish, you completely forget that Chanukah is just around the riverbed as well! I understand that the gentile holiday, Christmas, is celebrated because it was the day Jesus was brought into this world, but guess what?–before you stuffed your evil step-mother’s stocking with coal, HE spun the dreidel. Yes, that’s right, Jesus was Jewish, so everyone reading this post who is NOT Jewish is hereby not allowed to get offended. Now that we’ve got that disclaimer disguised as an intro out of the way, here is a list of eight reasons, plus one for good luck, why Chanukah is a better holiday than Christmas.
1. Hanukkah setup is simple: take the menorah out of the closet, set it down on a table…done. Christmas on the other hand: get in the car, pick out a tree, buy said tree, figure out how to fit the tree through your front door, realize the tree is too tall, take the tree outback and trim the tree, bring the tree back inside, get it to stand up straight, decorate the tree, get the ladder, climb the ladder, place the star on top, clean up all the broken ornaments that may have fallen in the process.
2. Eight nights of presents, need I say more?
3. Celebration of the miracle of oil lasting 8 days and nights as opposed to the expected 1 night, not just a birthday. (I was born August 9th…no one puts up a tree on my birthday because multiple people are born everyday. Sometimes I wonder if there was another local boy born on the same day as Jesus, and what did he get? a teddy bear. Jesus got a holiday, how is that fair?) The Jews then went on to defeat the Macabees. We won a war…just sayin’.
4. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. We have a fun game associated with our holiday. You may have missile-toe, but we have gambling…for chocolate!
5. Adam Sandler’s Chanukah songs parts 1, 2 & 3. We may not have as many songs as Christmas does, but at least ours are funny, and not upsetting like our grandmothers getting killed by fictional creatures.
6. Latkes, a.k.a potato pancakes.
7. No annoying bells, no fresh pine full of allergens, no annoying carolers knocking on your door at inconvenient times (we already have telemarketers calling during dinner, we don’t need pseudo-opera knocking on our doors in addition)
8. No derogatory references to women (HO HO HO)?
9.(For the 9th candle, a.k.a the Shamash) Last but not least, no ugly sweaters. Amen.
And there you have it folks. Please don’t hate me, for I am not a bitter Jew, but a Jew that believes Chanukah (Hanukkah) doesn’t receive enough credit. The “Winter recess” is referred to as “Christmas Vacation”, schools do not get off for Chanukah, but ALWAYS get off for Christmas and overall, I just feel as if Chanukah is treated as Christmas’ ugly cousin. Chanukah gets no respect from gentiles, yet Christmas gets respect from many a Jew, because we are respectful of your holiday and celebrations. So please, next time you see a Jew excited that Chanukah starts at sundown, PLEASE don’t go over to them and ask them to jingle your bells and throw “Christmas spirit” into their face because they’ll throw hot Latke grease on you, and it will HO HO hurt.
Happy Holidays everybody!