Tag Archives: Money

Had I Won That Mega Millions…

1 Apr

Yesterday was the first time I bought a lottery ticket. After asking two different strangers how to fill out the slip, I figured it out and had my ticket handy! Like most people, I knew the odds weren’t in my favor, or anyone’s for that matter, but I still had hope based off that clever slogan “Hey, you never know.” Well, most of me did know that I wouldn’t win but of course, like anyone, I had a tiny–and I mean microscopic/minuscule–glimmer of hope. So, with that hope, I decided to make a list of what I’d do with the money that I won.

First I decided to check off the box that would award the money to me across 26 annual payments as opposed to one lump sum. Why? Well, the man who explained to me how to do it suggested that for someone my age, that may be the smarter choice. My mom, however, then told me that the lump sum may have been better, God forbid something terrible happened and I didn’t survive for those 26 years after winning and then the rest of my winnings would go to no one. I explained to my mom that 1. the odds of me winning were so incredibly slim and 2. that, on the off chance I did win, I’d then also have to die before the age of 47 3. If I did win and came down with an illness or disease that would ultimately lead to that untimely death, I’d probably have enough money to ensure the best possible health care and treatment, so the the odds of me winning AND THEN dying before the age of 47 were so slim that I figured checking off the “26 annual payments” box was warranted. In the end, I didn’t win, but this was my thought process.

Here’s what I would have done with the money: (well, some of what I would have done)

-Financed a feature film that I wrote, directed and starred in and get Alec Baldwin, Rooney Mara, Meryl Streep, Emma Stone, Nick Offerman, Tina Fey and Dennis Quaid to co-star as my siblings.

-Bought out my grandmother’s apartment, along with the unit above hers, and made it into a kick-ass duplex and fill one floor with puppies and then have Miley Cyrus play at my apartment warming party.

-Donate at least $1,000,000 to Autism Speaks and the American Cancer Society.

-Build myself a walk in closet larger than my bedroom, most likely.

-Treat myself to a pair of authentic Nike “Tiffany SB” Dunks.

-Pay my way into guest starring on such TV shows as Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Modern Family and Pretty Little Liars until I became “that girl.”

-Finally produce my musical “Moo Shu Jew.”

-Give my mom and dad money

-Buy a neon green Lamborghini, blue Range Rover Sport and a matte black Mercedes G wagon.

I’d probably do some traveling, try that weird, ice cream sundae with the 14K gold flakes in it and some other weird stuff too, but I’d also put money away–duh!

Well, that’s some of what I would have done had I won last night. But I didn’t. So. Back to the usual life of A Ditk.


I’m Not Cheap!

16 Feb

Here’s an article I just had published in a Jewish, college publication. I’m very pleased because it is not only circulated on my college campus, but other colleges across the country as well. It’s about Jewish stereotypes, I hope you enjoy it as much as my mom did! Wow, that made me sound lame, didn’t it?

It has never been easy being Jewish. First we wandered through the desert for 40 years, then came ten years of Hebrew school, and now that both have come to an end, I’m still schvitzing from the stress. Now, you may be thinking, “Why do you feel such stress? Did you lose your menorah? Was the store out of Kedem grape juice?” The truth is, as much as Jewish stereotypes entertain me, they also stress me out. Though I attend a predominantly Jewish university, I still find myself to be one among my group of gentile friends, which places me in the crossfire for common Jew jokes.

Not a day passes by when I don’t hear a friend express interest in a new object-such as a Kindle or a Nintendo Wii- and then tell me to ask my father if he can purchase one for him this holiday season. That’s the first and most prominent Jewish stereotype: all Jews have a lot of money. Now, this may be true for some Jewish families, but it is equally as true for some non- Jewish families. Just because it may seem that every Jewish family you know is wealthy does not mean every Jewish family is rolling in dough. Not to mention, there are plenty of Jewish families who face tough economic times, and these comments may make them feel inferior.

The idea of Jewish people always having more money than non-Jews plays a large part in the next common stereotype: Jews are cheap. I don’t even see why any of this needs to be explained, confirmed or denied, because if the reason why you believe your neighbors, the Weinsteins, just bought a brand new Mercedes for their teenage daughter Rifka is because they have a lot of money, how does that make them frugal? But if the minimum of $30,000 was just dropped on a brand new Benz, don’t you think a frugal Jew would have opted for a Kia, or a used Mercedes at best? It just doesn’t make sense when you claim Jews are stingy, yet think they have a lot of money because of all the “cool” stuff they possess. If anything, Jews are just good investors and know how to spend when the time is right, which only ties back into the first stereotype I presented.

That brings me to my final stereotype. A cliché so common that I don’t even need to state it. All I need to say is this-my mother and father are neither doctors nor lawyers. No, I wasn’t born Jewish and then adopted by non-Jewish parents who let me keep and practice my birth religion. My parents just didn’t choose those career paths. No surprise, though, because, despite popular belief, this happens. And it happens quite often. Most of my family is in construction or catering. Once again, just because your doctor’s lab coat reads “Goldstein” or “Greenberg” doesn’t mean every doctor in the world kisses a mezuzah before entering a building.

So now I ask you, Jews and gentiles alike, to think about what you say before you say it. Your reliable Jewish friend that you always hit up for cash may have been hit hard financially because of the current state of the economy-or just because of the Madoff scandal-and a “rich Jew” comment may hit home with him. Jews are just as entitled and likely to choose a career path they feel comfortable with over one they are expected to take, just like anybody in the good world. For me, I want to be a television or film writer.

So please stop throwing pennies at my feet and waiting to see how long it takes for me to pick them up. I only pick up quarters, and I’m sure non-Moses-lovers do too.

Thanks to Schmooze Magazine! I hope to write more for their publication in the future.



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