Tag Archives: annoying

Walmart-ing

14 Sep

Walmart is a wonderful mecca of deals, steals (sometimes literally) and wonder, but also a hellhole. Going there on a Sunday afternoon is probably the worst decision you could ever make, because come 12pm, it turns into the official local church after-party no matter where you live. Seriously, sometimes I think that if a Walmart threw an I-Hop inside of one of its locations instead of a Subway sandwich franchise, there would literally never need to be anything else open on a Sunday–Joel Osteen would probably invest. Better yet, a church should probably just open a Walmart in the back, because move over, Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC combo, a new mega trio is coming your way and it’s called The Walmart I-Hop Mega Church Center.

Anyway, Walmart. Yes, Walmart–the place once infamously confused as a store that sells walls by Paris Hilton, doesn’t actually sell walls, but they do sell legitimately everything else. This is why when it came time for me to re-organize my sneaker closet, the Walmart website was my first stop because let’s be honest–the safest way to shop at Walmart is by not physically being at Walmart. So how did I end up at Walmart then? Good question. I wanted to save the $7 shipping cost on the shoe cubby I ordered, so I opted for the in-store pickup option. A week later, I strolled through the doors of my local Walmart and wandered through aisles of camouflage hats, camouflage televisions and camouflage children until I finally found the online order center nested neatly by the Subway sandwich franchise. I worked my way around the line at the registers that seemed like it was Black Friday in the middle of September and wondered if I was missing out on something, but instead I just got in line behind several people in the online order area.

The area was small, and for some reason had its own Sunny Delight display tower, just in case you felt the need to hydrate with some sugar-water while waiting to pick up your microwave. There were 4 registers and about 10 employees, but only 2 registers were actually open. After waiting for 5 minutes and realizing the line hadn’t moved at all, I asked a sales associate if people were also in this line for general purchases, not just order pickups–“no, it’s also layaway.” Ah–layaway. Alright, no big deal. I stood there, waiting, eavesdropping on conversations about pregnancies and refrigerators, wondering if I would ever get to pick up my shoe cubby. I took a moment to take in my surroundings–there were still several associates standing behind the counter, but still only 2 stations were open. There were two Walmart employees sitting on a bench in the area, one of them was eating chicken–I am hoping she was on her break. It didn’t smell like chicken at first, but then it did…and as my hunger grew in correlation with my impatience, the smell was more apparent to me and I just wanted to know where I could get that chicken but I couldn’t get out of the line because then the vicious cycle would begin once more and I HAD SOMEWHERE TO BE, DAMMIT. And that place was a diner, because I was hungry.

FINALLY, after several texts from my mother and what seemed like the longest 20 minutes of my life, it was my turn. Once I got up to the register, it was quick and painless, but of course the box for my product was bent and damaged. I just wanted to get out of there, though, before the spell of chicken came over me and forced me to wait in yet another line. Also, I had seen a camouflage Mets hat that was quietly calling my name, so I legit had to bounce before I dropped anymore money there that day.

When I got home, after the diner, I assembled my shoe cubby, noticed one of the metal poles was damaged, took a moment to think of what a hassle it would be to try and return or exchange the item, and decided to just take the chance of it collapsing because somehow that would be more convenient to me than having to go to Walmart again.

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Great On Paper, Awful In Person

22 Jun

Writers. Some go above and beyond and some fall flat on their literary faces. Some writers have the luck of being very talented and professional writers, as well as very talented and professional people. Their writing is impeccable, smart, funny, entertaining–anything but flat and boring–and they have the personality to match. Their charisma is contagious and infectious, you just want to be around them, constantly, and hope they will some day include you in one of their blog posts, novels or screenplays.

But, this is the real world, and unfortunately not all writers can be as great in person as they are on paper. As a matter of fact, some people are writers because their personalities suck, they’re socially awkward, and can only express themselves through the written, or typed, word. I happen to know a few people like this, and it happens to be quite comical…and downright annoying. I’m not saying that I’m perfect on page and in person, but I happen to be just as fun in person as I am on paper. “But Ditk, you can’t judge how you are in person because you ARE you! Of course you’re going to say you have a great personality and can write very well!” (this wasn’t an actual quote, this was just me reading your mind…scary, I know) The truth is I can’t read my personality, but I can read my writing, and so can all of my family and peers. The people who have read my writing have told me on countless occasions that I write the way I speak, meaning when they are reading something that I have written, they can picture me speaking those exact words and can actually hear me reading the paper in their head. This is clear cut evidence that my personality matches my writing skills. My opinion, reviews and stories that I write are ones that I often share verbally in person, and when I write, I basically just have a conversation in my head and then transcribe it onto the page in front of me. Those who excell on paper and fail in person have a technical error somewhere that allows them to express themselves well on the path from brain to page, but not brain to mouth.

Basically, if you’re confused, all I am saying is that if you’re a great writer, you might want to work on your personal skills as well. Why do I suggest this? Well, let’s say your latest novel gets published and they want you to do a 25 city book tour/signing. Your book could be the next Harry Potter, but if you can’t engage in normal conversation, people are going to get turned off when they meet you, and then they will tell their mother who will tell your aunt who will tell your cousin who will tell her boss who will tell his wife that you suck, and thus creates a vicious cycle of negative feedback that could eventually lead to a decrease in sales and a one way ticket to being sold exclusively at Home Goods.

Final word: Exercise the same amount of personality and spunk in person that you do in your writing. Not only will you have a greater chance at becoming successful, but you’ll make more friends and sound a lot smarter too.

I’m actually probably really awkward…oops.

Ditk

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