The Elderly

2 Jul

I feel like I really know old people. I mean, senior citizens. The elderly?

I’m really in touch with them. I may even be turning into one. I only shop at department stores, I love a good coupon and Mah Jongg is quickly becoming one of my favorite games. All of this may just make me Jewish, but I’d like to think I’m one with the elderly. Except I can still drive above 35mph and still stay within one lane.

A lot of people dislike the elderly. And after living with my grandmother for a few summers I can definitely understand why, but I think they’re more lovable than anything else. They’ve gone through a lot, most of them at least. Wars, depression, seeing their loved ones pass away and movie tickets used to be about 50cents, so give them a break because life used to be better for most of them.

The elderly are incredibly lovely, intelligent, bitter people. Well, not all of them are bitter but some of the folks I hang out with are. But then again, so are some of the younger people I hang out with. Even I’m bitter about some things in life. Like, a Sonic finally opened on Long Island but it’s still about 40 minutes away from me. That kind of bitter, I guess.

You’d be amazed–the elderly talk shit about each other! It’s awesome. There’s no other way to describe it. And they do it the old fashioned way–in person. They don’t cowardly hide behind a text or email (mostly because they wouldn’t know how to do that) they just say it without hesitation. “That woman is a pain.” “Oh, that Rhonda? She’s no good.” None of it ever goes above and beyond simplistic shit talking, but it’s just so great. And they gossip! I’ll never forget listening to my grandmother and her friend s discuss the Anthony Weiner scandal last year during a weekly game of Mah Jongg. Ironically, I tweeted about it. They don’t get Twitter, either, but they’re all at different levels of technological understanding. There’s the most basic level which I believe is where my mom’s mom is–they can use a cell phone but don’t know how to do anything else. They also can’t text. Then there’s a more advanced level, which is where my dad’s mom is–they can use cell phones, text, surf the web and send/receive emails. Then, of course, there’s what I like to call the super-advanced elderly who can do everything the basic and advanced elderly can do, plus more. This includes, but is not limited to, setting up and understanding the concept of wifi, changing ink cartridges and installing software.

One common misconception about old people is that they really like a good, quality sweater vest. Well, for the past few summers I’ve been living with my grandmother while working in the city and let me tell you I rarely see any sweater vests. My grandmother likes to wear “boxy” shirts, actually. Perhaps the lack of sweater vests correlates directly with the increase in the heat index over the summer but never mind that. Just know that sweater vests are not synonymous with the elderly.

They’re such a unique demographic in the sense that many of them don’t know what demographic they’re a part of. For example, my grandmother likes to see movies, but doesn’t necessarily go to films meant for her demographic, i.e. the time she went to see “Corky Romano,” that lovely Chris Kattan movie that no one, except for my grandmother, saw. Just the other day she decided to go to a Thai Chi class at the Y and hated it. The twist? She said it was too slow for her. Funny, you’d think she’d be too slow for it. But that’s just it. The elderly aren’t all they’re assumed to be. Yes they play Mah Jongg and yes they don’t understand how to turn on a computer but they’ll often surprise you. For instance, my grandmother still has the tolerance to book airline tickets over the phone. NO ONE does that anymore! But she does–and that surprises me. Not that she uses the phone, but her level of tolerance for actually speaking to someone over the phone in a day and age where the Internet is king. What’s the Internet? Just kidding, I’m not feeling that old. Also, she doesn’t have plastic on any of her couches. So, take that, society.

I’m not exactly ready to board a Mah Jongg cruise (which my grandmother goes on annually) but I’d say it’s definitely a possibility in the future. If anything, I’m ahead of the game and will make a killing in the Mah Jongg teaching business when I’m older and looking for something to generate income after retirement. You may laugh now, but I shall laugh later. All the way to the (Zipper coin purse) bank!

My name is Allie, I’m 21 years young and I’m proud to say that I listen to the baseball game on the radio while my grandmother and I eat dinner supper in the dining room.

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What A Weekend For The New York Mets

4 Jun

The team commonly referred to as the New York Mess is anything but that this season. Yeah, they’ve had their usual injuries here and there, but they’ve been on a hot streak as of late. They started off the season incredibly strong but most people, including diehard fans such as myself, expected that to end rather quickly–but the Mets just kept winning! Though they’ve been playing rather well all season, this past weekend was probably the most exceptional weekend for the 2012 NYM thus far. First off, Friday, June 1st 2012 is now a historic date for the Mets’ franchise as Johan Santana–who missed a season due to major shoulder surgery–threw the Mets’ first EVER no-hitter. It was an incredible evening…not to mention it was against the “best hitting team” and defending World Series champions, the St. Louis Cardinals. The series with the Cardinals continued on Saturday, where R.A Dickey helped the Mets get another shutout win over the Cards. Yesterday, June 3rd, wasn’t a shutout win, but a 6-1 win over the Cards as well.

The Mets are now tied for 1st place in the NL East with the Nationals (another surprising team this year) and the Florida Miami Marlins with former Mets shortstop Jose Reyes. If the Mets can manage to beat the Cards and sweep the 4 game series tonight, they’ll find themselves at the top. The Mets are currently 31-23 in the NL East which is proving to be the best division in the National League this season as all 5 teams, even the struggling Phillies, are above .500. The only other division in baseball that shares that statistic this season is the American League East where the Yankees reside. In other news, the Yankees are 3rd in their division with a 29-24 record. The Mets are ahead of the Yankees AND the Phillies? It must be 2012…but I’m NOT complaining!

 

Let’s just hope the Mets keep on winning. If the world’s going to end, I’d like to at least see the Mets win a World Series title first.

The Last Day…Or Is It?

1 May

Don’t let the title fool you because yes, I’m definitely graduating, with flying colors I believe (I should check on that flag I ordered…) Today is officially my last day of classes as a college student and, let’s be honest, probably forever. But am I sad? No. Am I anxious? Not really. There are a few classes I’ve taken throughout my college career that I’d take forever, but I’d totally cool with the idea of never taking a college course again.

This may be my last day of classes, but it’s not the last time I’ll be on this campus, wear the color orange, attend an SU sporting event or see my friends. Today just marks the end of forking over $50,000/year and trekking up and down hills to distant academic buildings and slaving over studying for exams. So, in a sense, today is a pretty good day.

Graduation will just confirm everything I mentioned above, so over the next 2 weeks leading up to graduation, I hope to accomplish everything that’s left for me to do–pass my 2 final exams, hand in my 9-12 page paper on the scoring style of Atticus Ross and Trent Reznor.

That’s all for now!

Had I Won That Mega Millions…

1 Apr

Yesterday was the first time I bought a lottery ticket. After asking two different strangers how to fill out the slip, I figured it out and had my ticket handy! Like most people, I knew the odds weren’t in my favor, or anyone’s for that matter, but I still had hope based off that clever slogan “Hey, you never know.” Well, most of me did know that I wouldn’t win but of course, like anyone, I had a tiny–and I mean microscopic/minuscule–glimmer of hope. So, with that hope, I decided to make a list of what I’d do with the money that I won.

First I decided to check off the box that would award the money to me across 26 annual payments as opposed to one lump sum. Why? Well, the man who explained to me how to do it suggested that for someone my age, that may be the smarter choice. My mom, however, then told me that the lump sum may have been better, God forbid something terrible happened and I didn’t survive for those 26 years after winning and then the rest of my winnings would go to no one. I explained to my mom that 1. the odds of me winning were so incredibly slim and 2. that, on the off chance I did win, I’d then also have to die before the age of 47 3. If I did win and came down with an illness or disease that would ultimately lead to that untimely death, I’d probably have enough money to ensure the best possible health care and treatment, so the the odds of me winning AND THEN dying before the age of 47 were so slim that I figured checking off the “26 annual payments” box was warranted. In the end, I didn’t win, but this was my thought process.

Here’s what I would have done with the money: (well, some of what I would have done)

-Financed a feature film that I wrote, directed and starred in and get Alec Baldwin, Rooney Mara, Meryl Streep, Emma Stone, Nick Offerman, Tina Fey and Dennis Quaid to co-star as my siblings.

-Bought out my grandmother’s apartment, along with the unit above hers, and made it into a kick-ass duplex and fill one floor with puppies and then have Miley Cyrus play at my apartment warming party.

-Donate at least $1,000,000 to Autism Speaks and the American Cancer Society.

-Build myself a walk in closet larger than my bedroom, most likely.

-Treat myself to a pair of authentic Nike “Tiffany SB” Dunks.

-Pay my way into guest starring on such TV shows as Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Modern Family and Pretty Little Liars until I became “that girl.”

-Finally produce my musical “Moo Shu Jew.”

-Give my mom and dad money

-Buy a neon green Lamborghini, blue Range Rover Sport and a matte black Mercedes G wagon.

I’d probably do some traveling, try that weird, ice cream sundae with the 14K gold flakes in it and some other weird stuff too, but I’d also put money away–duh!

Well, that’s some of what I would have done had I won last night. But I didn’t. So. Back to the usual life of A Ditk.

Boob Toob

23 Mar

A good friend of mine recently got breast implants as an early graduation present/right of passage in her family (both her mother and grandmother have had the procedure done as well). Now, before this procedure I’d describe her boobs as “skinny nips.” If you don’t get what I mean by that, when she’d walk around at night with just a t-shirt and no bra before bed, it really just looked like she had a matchstick where each of her breasts were supposed to be. I don’t have a problem with plastic surgery, as long as you do it for the right reasons, so I am happy for her. Before she wasn’t confident about her body and would wear bras with intense amounts of padding. Somewhere there’s a mangled therapeutic mattress labeled “hunted for bra padding.” I’m not kidding. But Allie, how do you know she did it for the right reasons? Well, it’s simple. If she wanted to be a whore and just appear more attractive to men she would have upgraded from here barely-there A cup to an eye-poking D. Instead, she went from her matchsticks to a modest B cup. She’s proud of them, she’s comfortable with them–good for her! After winter break she threw together a little gathering at her apartment–it was a coming out party for her new friends…her boobs. I’m not sure why, but the party had a Breast Cancer awareness theme to it, considering there were Hershey Kisses wrapped in pink foil, Oreos with pink filling separated into halves and dotted with pink gel coloring to resemble boobs and pink crystal light mixed with vodka. It was an evening to celebrate the girls.

Today I ran into her on the quad. We chatted for a few, and then she told me whilst at a club over spring break she was let into the VIP section. She then paused, grabbed her boobs and said “they’re already paying for themselves!” And then I contradicted this entire blog post.

 

For serious, she’s a great person, a good friend and a whole lot of fun to be around. Not to mention she got a kick-ass, prestigious job for after graduation…she’s one of the few seniors I know that’s already employed. And for those of you who are perverts, she got the job BEFORE the implants–so get your minds out of the gutter!

Down By the (Job Market) Bay…

21 Feb

Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve sat down to type a little type for you all to read. But, I’m back…not from outer space, but I see you still have that look upon your face.

I’ve been pretty busy with school work, running recruitment via my position on Panhellenic and other (not so) wonderful things before I graduate in May. Yup, just making the most of the last few months of my college career.

I’ve started applying to jobs, so that’s cool. Technically I should wait until March, but I couldn’t contain myself any longer. Why wait so long you ask? Well, for entertainment jobs usually employers are looking to fill positions to start immediately. So had I applied for a job in, let’s say January, they would have skipped right over my resume simply because I wouldn’t have been able to start for another 4-5 months. So, the journey has begun. If you know someone who’s “in the business” and they’re looking for a fabulous recent college graduate to do entry-level work, particularly as an assistant to a producer, writer, director, celebrity, desk, canine, etc–let them know I’m interested!

So call your distant aunts, uncles and cousins–THEN GET BACK TO ME!

 

Just kidding, but seriously…I need a job.

Hugs and no kisses because I don’t know who most of you are,

Ditk

My Goals For Winter Break

16 Dec

See the following movies:

  1. The Descendants
  2. J. Edgar
  3. The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo
  4. Young Adult
  5. and maybe New Years Eve, if I can find the time

NETWORK NETWORK NETWORK

  • My overall goal for this academic year is to graduate with a job, so over break I plan to get in touch with as many of my past internship employers to seek out career opportunities, and make connections with other various people in the entertainment industry. In other words, hire me!

WRITE

  • This semester has been so incredibly hectic. I haven’t had even a few moments to sit down with a clear mind and just write. All of my works in progress still remain in progress. I hope to sit myself down at a Barnes and Noble somewhere and bang out a first draft of one of my pilots, or finish one of my spec scripts. Dare I start a feature? Blurg. I need to get inspired!

Have Fun

  • Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had fun this semester, but I just need to lay back and have a good time while I’m home. I don’t want to think about school or any of the responsibilities that will come with it once I return in January.

Be funnier

  • I’m taking an improv class at the end of break–I hope it makes me less awkward and more tolerable. My ultimate goal is to no longer hear crickets after delivering the punchline.

See Friends

  • I have plenty of friends, I think, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be here forever if I just forget about them. Over break I hope to strengthen the friendships I’ve had since middle school and continue the ones I currently have from college. I don’t just want to be one of those “what happened to her” girls soon after I graduate. Friends are the foundation to happiness–amongst other things and feelings–and they make for great subjects to observe and go people watching with–I need to get my material from somewhere! But, I’m currently lucky to have a crazy family that gives me more than enough material, but hey, the more the merrier.
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