EX-Tina

7 Jun

So the MTV Movie Awards happened last night. The show wasn’t awful, like some past years, but it wasn’t mind-blowing like everyone hyped it up to be either. Some high points were Sandra Bullock accepting her “Lifetime Achievement” award, Ken Jeong’s heartfelt acceptance speech that ended in tears and a raunchy kiss shared by Get Him To The Greek stars Russel Brand and Jonah Hill. One part that absolutely drove me insane, though, was Christina Aguilera’s performance of a medly of songs off of her new album Bionic.

Now, normally I would have absolutely no problem with a performance by X-Tina because she’s talented and a great performer/entertainer, but last night, she literally wasn’t herself (no pun intended…ok, you got me, pun intended) She had her hair done like Gwen Stefani, an outfit that Lady GaGa would model and backup dancers that Marilyn Manson would hire for one of his dark music videos. Basically, she was just a giant copy-cat of every performer but herself. What really upsets me is the fact that Christina is actually extrememly talented! She has an abolutely outstanding voice and can dance and dress to match. So why does she feel the need to go the route of auto-tune and skankiness?

Well, I have no idea, but I wish someone would just tell her to be herself, so even though there’s probably more of a chance that I’ll see a man riding a unicycle while juggling flaming bowling pins later today than her actually seeing this blog post, I am going to tell her myself!

Be that same Geenie in a Bottle that no one can bring down today because she is Beautiful, inside and out. You have inspired the world with your voice and your songs, well, your older ones at least.

In a nutshell, STOP TRYING TO BE SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT, Christina. Your name isn’t Lady XX and it isn’t GaGa either. Lady GaGa is a pop sensation at the moment and she cannot be stopped, no matter how much you auto tune your voice so STOP trying to rival her. You should have stopped the moment you dyed your hair platinum blonde and threw on a corset.

My advice to you is to sing, girl. Sing your heart out. Don’t shop around for “sick beats” and drum machines because that’s not who you are. That’s not the same Christina who had to be rubbed the right way because now you’re rubbing your fans the wrong way. Stick to simple chords and rhythms like the ones that launched you into this business otherwise you’re going to find yourself no where near the top 100, let alone the top 10. I still cannot believe that you lip-synced last night. YOU?! LIP-SYNC?!?! You and that hyphenated word should never belong within 500 ft. of eachother. You are a POWERHOUSE. You are a DIVA. Be Christina Aguilera and no one else.

Consider me the one who rubbed the bottle you’ve been stuck in, Christina. I’m letting you out of the world you’ve been stuck in. Grab some visine and see this opportunity for what it truly is–a second chance. You must know by now that what you’ve been doing isn’t working out when GaGa’s tour is doing amazing all over the world and yours had to be cancelled just as fast as hers sold-out. Just listen, X, and the world will be able to sleep again at night.

I may not be as musically sound as Perez, but trust me…I’m not a moron.

-Ditk

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