My Brush With Death

20 Aug

Last night I spent at my grandmother’s apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhatten. We went for a nice Italian dinner, appropriate because we’re Jewish, and then I explained I wanted candy from the mecca of candy–Dylan’s candy bar. So, after dinner, we walked to Dylan’s, and on the way my grandma told me heart issues run in the family, and that I need to lose weight. Need I remind you we were on our way to Dylan’s CANDY bar. I called my friend and had her meet us there, because then we were going to my friends apartment to watch The Hannah Montana Movie, in all its glory. I explained to my grandma that my friend LOVES candy, but it diabetic, so I don’t understand how she does it. My grandma, a retired nurse, didn’t like what she heard, but then said “oh, but they have sugar free candy”. I agreed with her statement, because they do have such products, but I knew for a fact my friend always went for the real, sugary, melt your teeth away candy. She doesn’t mess around. When we got there, I knew my friend would be another 15-20 minutes, so my grandma and I examined every last corner of the store. They had a Hannah Montana candy display, I almost peed my pants like a dog when they’re excited to see their owner arrive home from work–but I contained myself, and remained pee free. Once I got bored with the downstairs, and my grandmother politely pointed out the sugar-free candy section that my friend wouldn’t be going near, I decided to go upstairs and start making myself a small bag of candy. Then my friend arrived, and filled up a Dylan’s “tackle box” full of candy–she is the best. 

    We left Dylan’s, and made our way to my friend’s apartment. My grandma gave me a 12 o’clock curfew…I was suddenly 16 again. My friend and I went upstairs, and chatted a bit before we put the movie on. Then we put the movie on, then I freaked out because I always freak out at the sight of Miley or Hannah, or both. Then we watched the deleted scenes, bloopers, and the music video for “The Climb”. SIDE NOTE: If you are ever driving somewhere, and it happens to be a very scenic route, do yourself a favor and turn on “The Climb”. It is by far the BEST song to listen to while driving, especially with pretty scenery, and rolling hills, and trees, and mountains, all around you. You’ll thank me later, trust me. Anyways, the movie ended, and my friend and I split a cab back to our respective residences. When I got home, I was thirsty, so I asked ig my grandma had any milk–negative. Turns out it went bad, so I stuck with Snapple, when I noticed a bottle of tnic water in her fridge. Now, being a bartender I know that tonic is a popular drink mixed with alcohol, specifically gin, but I never understood what it was. So I tasted it, and realized my life would have been so much better if I had never tasted it. The taste remained in my mouth for at least an hour–I wanted to cry. Following that terrible taste, grandma and I watched the Food Network for about an hour, and then it was time for bed, around 1AM. 

     Suddenly, I woke up in the middle of the night, or what I thought was the middle of the night, but when I glanced at the clock it was just after 2AM. I had this terrible feeling at the back of a throat that I can only describe as a feeling right between vomiting and choking to death. I started coughing. I couldn’t stop. I needed water. My grandma heard me and asked if I was ok, all I said was “I need water”. So I got up, and walked to the kitchen, but I had not idea where the freaking light switch was, so I just decided to randomly walk back into her room and then to the bathroom, where I sat on the toilet for NO REASON. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom, I just sat there, trying to figure out how to prevent death. That’s when I started to get that feeling I get before I throw up–I was not happy. I hate throwing up…it sucks, so I was not looking forward to what could be coming. I then remembered that refrigerators have a light in them that goes on upon opening them. I remembered this with the help of my orthadox step-uncle who has to un-screw the bulb in the fridge before Shabbatt every Friday, so that when he opens it, he wont be turning on any electricity. So I stepped in the kitchen, grabbed the handle to the fridge, and grabbed a bottle of water, and chugged. No, I lied, I sipped–I’m a lady–and this was the upper east side, NOT a frat house. I was still choking, and had a terrible taste that was burning the back of my throat, when it became apparent to me that said taste was tonic water…TONIC WATER. I was so mad. Finally, the hardcore coughing came to a halt, and I was able to lie down again, and eventually the feeling of regurgitation had passed as well, and I fell back to sleep. 

The next day, I told my mom the story with my grandma there–she didn’t remember that even happening. Cool.

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