Being single isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be–there are many pros as well as cons–but overall, being single in a world where everyone around you is in a relationship, or has been in a relationship, pretty much sucks. You see, listening in on conversations about past relationships with friends isn’t nearly as fun as participating in a conversation about past relationships with friends. All of the “lovey-dovey” stuff, upsides, and different forms of PDA kind of get hard to stomach once you’ve heard them so many times, but never actually experienced any of them yourself.
Maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world, considering there is such a thing as death and that I am still quite young, but it also isn’t the best thing in the world to feel alone when all the people who surround you are out and about with their significant others, or can’t hang out with you tonight because they are with their significant others, ultimately leaving me in my kitchen…blogging. I have to be honest, being a relationship watcher isn’t bad, but I’m sure being a relationship partaker is a whole lot better. Now of course I do believe the whole “there’s someone for everyone” spiel, but at the same time, how long must I keep telling myself that before it’s actually believable? I mean, here I am, 19 years old, and pretty much everyone I know has been on a real date, or in a relationship, except for me. [I understand this is vulnerable information, but at the same time, I honestly don’t care because I’m just so past my point of caring right now if other people “know my innermost thoughts and feelings”]
What really baffles me is that I have friends who constantly ask me for advice regarding their relationships, hookups, flings, etc, and they actually take my advice–it has been proven to work on many occasions. I honestly don’t get it–how can one who has never been in a relationship be so good at assisting in other people’s relationships? I guess the world may never know, but at the same time, it may have to do with having seen numerous failing relationships over time with friends’ relationships, and my parent’s as well, that I just know what to and what not to do at this point. So I guess I’d be fully prepared for a relationship if it came my way, but unfortunately that’s not entirely up to me, I’d have to actually find someone who expresses even the smallest amount of interest in me in order to test my own advice on myself.
Then there comes having to question yourself–am I not attractive enough? am I fat? do I have a bad personality? is there something in my teeth? or do I just plain suck?–all of these questions circle my mind hundreds of times when I’m out with friends, or even just out on the town doing some grocery shopping, but these thoughts always cross my mind the most when I am home, alone, and all my friends are out with guys, or girls, whichever they prefer. Everyone knows no one judges you based on personality right off the bat, it’s obviously always going to be looks, because no one can look at you and be like “her insides are gorgeous”, that can and would never happen. A guy will always judge who they will try and “hook up” with based on what they look like, and if a girl is not up to par, then that guy is not playing golf tonight. If you look good, then they will talk to you, and get to know your personality, no one is going to start talking to you otherwise, thus not being able to ever find out if a great personality lies beneath your lack-luster exterior. Personalities have become more of a “seal the deal” type of thing, as opposed to a beginning point for relationships. IT SUCKS, because if you’re not a size 6 or below, and beautiful, you have a better chance of going home with a speeding ticket than you do with a guy.
Then of course there’s the whole family aspect of this whole “relationship game”. The issues is when you always walk into family functions and see everyone sitting next to their significant other on the couch, so you just find a place on a chair nearby, and cuddle with your blackberry instead of your boyfriend. Or when the family takes a trip to the movies, and you’re the 7th wheel, which is WAY worse than being the 3rd wheel, trust me. When everyone in your entire family is in a relationship, has been in a relationship, or in a marriage for many, many years, and you’re the only one left with your last name who ISN’T in a relationship, it really starts to sting. I’m talking aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, grandparents, etc. I have cousins who happen to be in relationships constantly. As soon as one ends, another one starts within a month, and then you just begin to wonder if there is seriously something wrong with you, or if they have the secret access code to some secret, underground dating society. Some of their relationships last for a year or 2, some for a few months, and some for a week, but either way, they’ve got it, and I clearly don’t. I mean, we’re family, so we share similar personalities–we’re all outgoing, humorous, talkative, fun, dramatic and loud–but one thing they have that I don’t is looks. All of them are thin, and gorgeous, I am neither. Now, I don’t take compliments well, so please don’t start messaging me telling me that I’m pretty or whatever even if I’m really not, because even if you’re telling the truth, I will automatically assume you’re lying and just trying to make me feel better, so that won’t really do much. Anyways, they always ask me if I’m in a relationship, or if there are any boys I’ve been talking to either at home or at school, and I always just say no because I wouldn’t lie about something like that. Every time the topic gets brought up though, it kind of strikes a nerve, the nerve that makes me upset, because then I just go back to feeling abnormal, and not like my cousins, who are the closest people I have to sisters, so in the end I feel like the adopted child. It’s almost embarrassing, being the only single one in the family, and not bringing anyone over to a holiday, family dinner, except for your father and step-mother, and maybe your dog. I can’t help but think that some of my family members think there’s something wrong with me because I’m always the only single one, but I know there’s nothing wrong with me…I just cant find anyone that appreciates me enough to show any interest…which I obviously wish wasn’t true. It’s sad, it’s upsetting, but I must deal with it. But enough of the cons, let me get to the pros.
I never have to feel like someone is dragging me down, or preventing me from having fun when I’m out with friends, and they’re home, doing nothing. I don’t have to deal with a boyfriend who thinks showing off in front of friends is more important than treating me like a girlfriend, and I also don’t have to worry about someone going psycho on me if I don’t see them or speak to them every waking hour of every single day. Basically, I don’t have the stress of a relationship, which is a ton of weight off my back, so I’ve heard, but at the same time, I’d still like to know what that weight is like.
Ultimately, I’m on the fence about this whole “single life” situation. It sucks in so many ways, thinking you’re not good enough for anyone, but it’s also a very stressless situation…unless you’re like in your mid 30’s and still haven’t found anyone…because then it may be a little stressful…let’s just hope I find someone before then.
Oh well, such is life. Thanks for putting up with me.