Stainz Man

17 Jul

Oh, crap.     You’re new boyfriend just picked you up for a dinner date and a movie and you’re wearing your favorite dress–what could be better? You arrive at the restaurant, take your seat, and carefully place a napkin upon your lap to protect the fabulousness that is your favorite dress. You order a salad, he orders a steak…typical. The food arrives and you’re extra careful to get the food into your mouth so you, and your dress, can make a clean get away. You take your last bite, he pays the check, and you’re on your way out–mission accomplished. Upon arriving at the movies he buys you popcorn and a soda to share with him–he even put in two straws so you can have a little moment by drinking at the same time. Then, it happens, soda spill on aisle “SHIT”! There’s nothing like a bad stain to ruin a great moment. 

     I hate stains, I hate them. Now, I know hate is a strong word, but trust me, I’ve had enough interaction with stains in my life that I am damn right allowed to feel pure hatred for them by now. I have terrible luck when it comes to eating and acquiring stains–I’ll put a napkin on my lap, but I’ll get ketchup on my chest or lean into a patch of tomato sauce on the table in a long sleeve shirt–whatever could possibly happen with stains WILL happen with me…it’s inevitable. Tonight, for example, I was eating a delicious burrito from the Holy Grail that is Taco Bell, and of course sauce just spills out the back end of the burrito right onto my WHITE shirt, shorts and car upholstery…wonderful. I not have a nice little orangey, polka-dot pattern on the front of my shirt, down at the bottom–this one’s headed straight for the trash.

     Stains are a pain (I’ll keep that one in mind for “Rhymes with…”) and unless you’re completely prepared for every situation and carry around some stain stick in every bag you own, then you’re shit out of luck when a stain comes along to ruin a good day. Especially if you’re at like a business meeting or conference and decide to eat pasta on your lunch break and then the sauce monster decides to take your new white blouse for a spin and you have no change of clothes. No, this has not happened to me, but I get the feeling it will, except I don’t eat much pasta…but don’t even get me started on pit stains because I think everyone and their mother, or father, has that problem at some point in his/her life, just try not to wear a grey shirt too much, that hue tends to show the p-stains the most! But that’s a whole different blog post.

     I guess what I’m trying to say is, stains suck, but they can be avoided. If you don’t carry around a stain stick, or wont have a change of clothes handy for a while, stick to clear liquids like water, or Sprite, and avoid foods heavily covered in sauce and/or other various condiments. Together, we CAN fight this war on stains, and we WILL win. We may be behind now, but WE WILL KETCHUP!!! See what I did there? With the play on words?…no? Ok, I’ll stop now.

Peace, Love & A Ditk

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