I Have A Confession…

I cheated at McDonald’s Monopoly.

Yes, you read that right.

Though I’m not 100% sure that you can consider what I did to be cheating at the game as much as it was just cheating the system, I still cheated in someway.

Let me start by saying that I’m not a McDonald’s person…by any means. Of course I stop there for a soda or a sweet tea on the go every now and then, and their fries are delicious, but that’s one of the reasons why I typically stay away from the restaurant. It’s just less tempting if you keep your distance, ya know? Anyways, there comes a time, once a year, that I don’t stay away from McDonald’s. It is a magical time in the United States where the fat get fatter and the thin get thicker all for money.

No, the Biggest Loser is not having a spinoff show called the Biggest Winner…McDonald’s Monopoly is back.

It’s a fun time of year, but it is also tricky seeing as you want to maximize your game piece intake, but not your calorie intake. This is usually not a problem seeing as I can get a medium Diet Coke and receive 2 game pieces, but that was back when every item had just 2 pieces. Well, this year, everything has changed, for a large french fries now has 4 pieces. FOUR PIECES. Knowing this, I couldn’t simply get 2 sodas, that’s silly! Why not get one large fries AND a soda…that’s 6 pieces! Genius!

So, I went to McDonald’s to get my first batch of Micky D’s fries in like, forever, along with a Diet Coke. I got my 6 game pieces…I was happy. Then, I saw it…I saw the one itzy bitzy thing that changed everything–a tiny fly. Yes, there was a fly on one of my fries. I then sat there for 5 minutes trying to decide what to do as I had many options to choose from. I decided to bring the fly to the manager’s attention to get a new batch, but not before I peeled off the 4 game pieces. So now, game pieces in my possession, I returned the fries, got a whole new batch AND 4 more game pieces bringing my total game piece intake for the day to 10. TEN.

I am a genius.

I am also going to hell.

Fat Wallets or Fat People?

     While waiting online at a fast-food establishment in Penn Station today, I came across an extra set of numbers placed next to food items on the big, light-up menu. After immediately realizing they weren’t prices, it became apparent that they were the amount of calories that the respective item contained. This got me thinking–if we want people to go out, and spend more money, restaurants, especially fast-food chains, are a very easy and inexpensive way for them to do so, but seeing the amount of calories that I was about to consume, right before my eyes, kind of made me want to run straight for the nearest bathroom stall and regurgitate what hadn’t even grazed my lips yet! And so my question is this: Which problem should be America’s top priority?–Fighting the ever-growing obesity epidemic, or fixing our flaccid economy? I may not know the correct answer, because this is definitely a question that can only be answered using strong opinions, and endless statistics that will make you just want to give up on America and move to Canada…they have great maple syrup and a lower drinking age! But, the last thing I want is for any of my lovely blog readers to cross the border into “Aboot” territory, so I’m just going to give you my opinion lightly, of course.

     Back in the day, like way back, but after dinosaurs, being overweight was a sign of being wealthy, showing that you could afford to feed yourself until fully satisfied. Now-a-days, being fat makes you look like a slob–boy oh boy have times changed! I believe a thinner America is definitely in order, especially since new ballparks, such as Citi Field, have installed wider seats, with more leg room between each row, for added “comfort”, which is just a nicer way of saying “we expanded seat size and leg room to accommodate to the fattening America”, but do we want to thin-up our fatties when we could end up turning our economy into a stick-thin runway model? In my opinion, I think these two battles can be fought simultaneously, but that the obesity epidemic is more contagious, and can lead to death and disease, when the poor economy will just lead to the loss of a job, or maybe even a home. Now, I’m not putting down losing a job or home as insignificant, but I’m basically just saying that dying is definitely worse than losing your job…seriously. By listing calorie counts on menus in restaurants across America, Americans are becoming aware of what they’re shoving into their mouths on a daily basis, but this may gross people out, as it did to me, and send them running for their cars, and back to their homes for a home-cooked meal, thus slowly killing the restaurant business, while slowly saving themselves. An upside would be that grocery stores would increase business because of the increased demand for ingredients, but there’s revenue now from both restaurants AND grocery stores, and our economy is still in the shitter…so who’s to say that would even be enough?

     Also, if people keep dropping dead from being obese, or diseases that are acquired from said obesity, then there won’t be as many people around to stimulate the economy! Forget the restaurant business, ALL businesses would suffer from less people on planet earth…I wonder if Aliens are trim and slim?

     So, in conclusion, earthlings, the next time you hit up a restaurant and see that your favorite meal has 900-1200 calories in it, don’t cry hoping tear-loss will lead to loss of weight, and don’t run home, never to return–just opt for something with less calories! You’ll be saving yourself from exploding, and the economy from imploding. 

This has been A Ditk public service announcement…